it’s pouring like a bitch as i’m typing this. but there’s moderate promise of peaceful weather ahead. that’s it for the situation here right now.
i highly recommend reading this entry while listening to hajime no ippo - yuuzora no kamihikouki
anyway, it reminded me of what happened to a three year old friendship with a girl that i recently blew off. a spontaneous decision from yours truly. and with good reason. though i guess it is as shallow as any reason i can ever come up with. the thing is, i got mad at her because she always seems to end the conversation, our conversation, with silence. what i mean is, she leaves me hanging-waiting for her reply on most times. it wasn’t always like this. back then, we would even have conversations in friendster, thru text, thru email, irc. you name it. trading personality quiz results was the trend. i got to know a lot about her as she about me. i’d even randomly joke about the two of us getting married and having children. sometimes, even role-play that we’re already parents and tell her that i’m going home, asking sweetly, “honey. what’s for dinner”? it was a joke of course, but i wasn’t about to kid myself, because deep down inside, i somehow knew that i really wanted things to be that way.
the turning point in that happy, honest to goodness friendship for me was when she got addicted playing some sort of an online game. up until recently, i used to just dissmiss other people’s complaints, rants, whatever… as just some ploy to gain attention or be used as basis for legal action against rich video game companies. they apparently fell victim to a special someone’s addiction to gaming. some cases even extreme as persons actually dying. basically just trying to make a living out of seeking financial compensation for their loss. or so i thought.
needless to say, her replies dwindled slowly. until of course it reached to a point where she replies only to say “sorry, i’m busy playing [game]”. no more meaningful conversation. just like that. i feel my vigor being sucked up always as the clock ticked and i get the cold reply many freaking minutes later. i’d think that “hey! at last, the game’s finished. she still managed to reply. that’s the good thing. the thought matters most. who am i to be expecting more from her afterall?” the next few moments are spent with her just sending smileys, because i guess she’s busy alt-tabbing between the dektop and the [game] window. …and just when the conversation’s starting to have life again, bang, the whole cycle repeats itself. and everytime it does, her reply curve simply got steeper and steeper. i tried doing the same thing to her, as immature as that may sound, (this whole sulking thing is immature anyway) making her feel just how much it sucks whenever she leaves me to do something else, while i’m there waiting… hanging… clueless. i thought i’d let her know that i already hate the treatment she has been giving me, in the most subtle way so as not to hurt her feelings flat out.
but then it became clear that another approach was needed. too bad she didn’t get the message. perhaps my actions were a little to stealthy. either that, or she’s completely insensitive to the feelings of a boy like me, who’s only dream is to have a girlfriend and who’s fetish include computers, talking about his way of urinating and sometimes, women’s apparel. i tried so hard not to initiate any chat conversations with her, thinking that she’s busy playing or chatting with some other person she met online while playing. the rationale is that it will be less painful if she becomes silent again because afterall, i didn’t start the conversation (if ever we get to chat).
i can’t take it anymore though. it’s hopeless. i hate the fact that our friendship has sunk to this level of patheticness. each conversation i’m having with her turns into a fight to get her attention. not that it matters. i feel so left out compared to the other people talking to her. but then as always, i’m just thinking for myself. she has been very good to me. infact, she was never a bad friend. never. but i guess i just want something she can never give me.
so i told her that it is in the best interest for the both of us if we stop talking to each other. she would have time to focus more on things that appeal to her fancy. and i won’t get hurt because she’s human and cannot help herself from committing mistakes such as, forgetting to reply.
i’ll be prompt today and simply just end this entry with an infamous buzz line.
“they didn’t live happily ever after.”